


Swift Scams

by heartswells



Series: Medical History AUs [1]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - 1910s, Colorado Avalanche, Dental Malpractice, Dentistry, Flirting, Historical References, Inspired by Sawbones (Podcast), M/M, Medical Shows, Patent Medicines, Seduction, The Inherent Homoeroticism of Dentistry, Tooth Pulling, Tooth Removal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2020-09-25 02:01:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20368798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartswells/pseuds/heartswells
Summary: “He’s the best dentist in the western world, Erik! He once pulled thirty teeth in thirty seconds for a crowd in Quebec!” Tyson exclaimed, ardently parroting samples from the newspaper advertisement that he was waving in Erik’s face. “The circus he is traveling with will be visiting Denver in two days. It’s the perfect solution!”





	Swift Scams

**Author's Note:**

> **Historical Context:** In the 1800s and 1900s, medical shows used to travel the US, typically to promote patent medicines, perform procedures, and showcase people. This piece is a reference specifically to the infamous Painless Parker, who traveled the US with his dental circus. Sources for further reading are available in the end notes.  

> 
> Please laugh at my joke about Ryan Graves, our most beloved liar, selling a patent medicine/cure-all. asdfghjkl 

“He’s the best dentist in the western world, Erik! He once pulled thirty teeth in thirty seconds for a crowd in Quebec!” Tyson exclaimed, ardently parroting samples from the newspaper advertisement that he was waving in Erik’s face. “The circus he is traveling with will be visiting Denver in two days. It’s the perfect solution!”

“Do you believe everything you hear?” Erik snapped. With every increasingly idiotic syllable to leave Tyson’s mouth, Erik’s migrane grew, and the pain was making him especially irritable.

“He’s _ renown_, Erik, and you need a dentist,” Tyson huffed indignantly. Tyson didn’t believe everything he heard, just the things he wanted to.

Two dreadful days ago, Erik had been bucked off of one of his horses and subsequently crashed into a fence, smacking his face against an unforgiving wooden post. His face had become a nasty mess of bruising, bleeding, and swelling, and his front teeth were utterly destroyed, cracked open and absolutely begging for infection. It was deemed that they needed removal by a local dentist, but the procedure was outrageously expensive, and a particularly tough year at the ranch meant it was unaffordable for Erik. 

Erik had assumed that Tyson would be delighted by the opportunity to punch out his most antagonistic and irritating friend’s teeth. Instead, he had erupted into a rant promoting a travelling _ circus _dentist that was visiting Denver, claiming that the perfect solution to Erik’s problem was to invite a scam artist to pull his teeth. It was ridiculous, and Erik was about to explain why when Gabriel interjected.

“Maybe you should consider it,” Gabe said. Feeling left out, Nathan chimed his agreement in. Erik scowled mulishly, a particularly frightening expression in combination with his injuries. Tyson’s whimsical and outlandish tendencies made his opinion easy to dismiss, but Gabe, who was rational and responsible, was less easy to ignore. Tyson nodded vigorously, interpreting Gabe’s assent as an invitation to relaunch his spiel.

“We can volunteer you, Erik. You’ll be a _ star_!” Tyson sighed dreamily, Hollywood fantasies of fame and fortune sparkling in his eyes. 

“What kind of world do you think we’re living in?” Erik snorted. 

“The first person chosen doesn’t have to pay for the procedure,” Gabe added.

Erik was nothing if not a practical man held hostage by his finances. 

🦷 🦷 🦷

Erik despised the greedy, cheating charlatans that infested medical shows. They touted fantastical claims and preyed on the desperate, feeding lies to the starved, ignorant masses remorselessly. They wooed with their wealth, using flamboyance and gold to conceal their lack of skill. Erik was sure this Samuel would be the same—a scammer, a quack, and a crook. In fact, it was disturbingly unlikely that such a man had ever even studied dentistry. 

Tyson, however, was absolutely giddy, and he waltzed through the crowded aisles of the fairgrounds with his hand shackled around Erik’s wrist to prevent him from fleeing. Loyally, Gabriel and Nathan trudged alongside him. Erik, in an attempt to circumvent some of the oncoming pain, had downed a generous glass of whiskey before leaving, but it was doing little to counter his grouchiness. 

The circus was a riot of voices: salesman pitched wild praises of the genius of various medicines; announcers detailed the incredible abilities of performers and freaks alike; storytellers recounted wondrous adventures of fame and fortune; and audiences _ ooh-_ed and _ aah-_ed with glee. It seemed all of Denver was in attendance, and Erik grew more and more regretful by the second.

Samuel’s stage was set in the heart of the fairgrounds, a main attraction, and when they arrived, he was poised with his hand against his heart, singing a heavenly operatic tune to a group of blushing ladies. Samuel was dazzling, a Hollywood masterpiece of a man. He wore a glamorous suit in the perfect imitation of pomp sophistication. Flawlessly tailored, it accentuated his lithe, graceful body and boasted of affluence and popularity. He looked like a celebrity, and Erik was taken aback. Samuel locked eyes with Erik and grinned, slow and cheshire cat like as he ended his tune. Tyson clapped in delight, but Erik felt hunted.

“Welcome, sirs!” Samuel extended his hand, twisted his fingers around Erik’s wrist, and swung him up onto the stage. With a twirl, he pressed against Erik’s chest and artfully shoved him into a chair standing centerstage. It was an absurdly graceful and romantic move that left Erik dizzy.

“I am Samuel.” 

“I’ve heard,” Erik retorted, suddenly feeling defensive. Samuel laughed in response, and it reminded Erik of the cries of Blue Jays, beautiful but insidious. Samuel stepped to a table at the side of the stage and poured a sizeable glass of _Dr. Graves’ Magic Cure _ as an anesthetic. (Dr. Graves guarantees his cure for animal bites, cholera morbus and flux, chronic pain, colic, dysentery, female complaints, gout, hay fever, headaches, heartburn, hysteria, kidney and liver complaints, la grippe, neuralgia, rheumatism, toothaches, and whatever else ails you!). 

“You will be my first patient today. You help me prove that the procedure is painless, and it is free of cost to you,” Samuel informed him, pressing the glass into Erik’s hand. It sounded like a threat. Erik looked towards the crowd where Tyson was grinning maniacally, flailing his hands in a debate with Nathan, and resigned himself to his fate.

“Deal.” 

“What happened?” Samuel asked as he lightly ran his thumb over Erik’s top lip, soothing the swelling. It was unspeakably tender and evoked something unnamable beneath Erik’s skin, striking him with the overwhelming desire to reach out and caress Sam back.

“Bucked off a horse,” Erik replied gruffly. Samuel was becoming increasingly unnerving: too tender and too beautiful to be anything but a scam.

“Open.” Erik hesitated before complying. He felt vulnerable, like a starved ruffian in rags begging a prince for mercy—but Samuel was not a prince. He was a con artist. 

A brass band had gathered on the stage, and it began a boisterous march to summon onlookers. Samuel hummed along, swaying and bouncing with the slide of the trombones and the trills of the trumpets. The hand that had been stroking Erik’s lip had slid down his cheek to brace against his shoulder and was now strumming over Erik’s pulse point, sending his heartbeat spinning and skipping and tripping. The other hand prodded at Erik’s front teeth, wiggling and flicking them in tests Erik doubted were real.

“These three will have to be pulled,” Samuel announced.

“Are you even a real dentist?” Erik finally asked.

“You’ll want to drink that now,” Samuel replied with a wink, flicking the full glass of patent solution Erik still held. He grimaced and chugged it as Samuel turned to address the crowd.

“Ladies and gentlemen, good afternoon!” Samuel began, spreading his arms in a mock embrace. “I am known as Swift Samuel, for I am the fastest dentist in the west! Your teeth will be pulled so quickly that you will feel no pain! I will start by demonstrating with this fine gentlemen.”

Samuel twirled around and whipped a pair of pliers from his suit jacket; the metal gleamed maliciously in the sunlight, a silver promise of pain. The band, anticipating his agonized screams, began a cacophonous march.

Erik experienced the moment in excruciating slow motion. The pliers clasped to the first tooth with a sharp _ clink _ that vibrated through his skull and shocked his nerves awake. Around them the band crescendoed to a hideous, tuneless blare, but Samuel held him in breathless suspension, eyes locked together, hearts beating in sync. Then he winked and _yanked_. The sensation was agonizing. It was an act of utter cruelty. Erik felt as if his mouth had been coated in gasoline and set aflame. When the first tooth came free, he swore his jaw was shattering. At the second, every sense in his body dissolved into the singular feeling of horror and pain. On the third, he blacked out.

Triumphant, Sam raised the pliers overtop his head and tossed the teeth into a glass bowl set at the bottom of the stage, which was soon to be overflowing with onlookers teeth. They clinked like gold coins as they bounced against the sides.

“A round of applause for the gentlemen!” Sam encouraged as the crowd erupted. 

Erik gasped, choking on mouthfuls of blood as his vision and awareness returned.

“You’re not a real dentist,” Erik decided. 

“Of course not!”

**Author's Note:**

> I blame Sydnee and Justin McElroy for inspiring this with their Tooth Removal episode of Sawbones. While I originally tried to adapt the dialogue to the 1910s using newspaper clippings, it became too tedious, and I decided it wasn't worth sacrificing my enjoyment. Additionally, my dental descriptions are questionable, but probably not much worse than those of the 1910s.   
  
  
**Information Sources:**  

> 
> Original Inspiration: [Sawbones episode on Tooth Removal (Podcast link to Spotify)](https://open.spotify.com/episode/4kfqaJ4MEdg3khp9Pmm1nJ?si=wigM-tYcRziQjg8RHhKLpA)  
  
Information on Painless Parker: [A Brief History of America's Most Outrageous Dentist](https://www.smithsonianmag.com/travel/remember-when-pulling-teeth-was-fun-180960448/) & [Painless Parker: Part dentist, part showman, all American](https://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-31704287)
> 
> List of Patent Medicines (used to formulate the name for Ryan's): [Smithsonian: Balm of America Patent Medicine Collection](https://americanhistory.si.edu/collections/object-groups/balm-of-america-patent-medicine-collection?page=5)
> 
> Explanation of 1910s Fashion: [Edwardian Titanic Men's Formal Suit Guide](https://vintagedancer.com/1900s/edwardian-titanic-mens-formal/)


End file.
